Summary: Dean is an ass. Mama Kim finds out about Dave. Rory decides she's ready for sex. Lorelai almost tumbles to her death. Enter Chris and Sherry, not to mention crazy Stars Hollow inhabitants, and you've got a party! Season Three Re-Write: Begins after 3.10, “That’ll Do Pig.”

Disclaimer: Me. No. Own.

Chapter One: WHAT?!

..::SCENE OPEN TO GILMORE RESIDENCE---MORNING::.. (LORELAI'S in her room, RORY is in hers. They are getting ready for work and school)

LORELAI: Where are my red dangly earrings?

RORY: Top drawer.

LORELAI: No they aren't.

RORY: (exiting room) Mom, we're going to be late! Forget the earrings.

LORELAI: (descending stairs) But I want to impress the sexy men.

RORY: What sexy men?

(The two begin gathering backpacks, books, coats, etc.)

LORELAI: The sexy men at the inn.

RORY: You mean Michel and Jackson?

LORELAI: Eww, what, no! This big corporation is having a business lunch at the inn. Its a fairly new company which suggests young, hot, RICH, sexy men.

RORY: Doesn't the adjective 'hot' cover 'sexy' as well?

LORELAI: You're missing the point.

RORY: But its repetitive.

LORELAI: And redundant.

RORY: Are we going to start that again?

LORELAI: I know, its not as fun when we aren't around Luke and Taylor.

(They exit the house and walk towards the diner)

RORY: You're right.

LORELAI: Oh, I know!!! Lets reply this conversation when we get to Luke's.

RORY: To annoy him?

LORELAI: Well, why else would we?

RORY: But then he won't give us coffee.

LORELAI: We have backwards-baseball-cap junior. He'll smuggle us coffee while we torment Luke incessantly!

RORY: Seems like you have this all planned out.

LORELAI: I've spent many a sleepless nights hunched over my desk drawing out plans, coming up with evil schemes, ya know, (imitating Dr. Evil) 'that old chesnut'.

RORY: So that's where the hollow laughing I hear every night is coming from. And, I think you've watched 'Austin Powers in Goldmember' a few too many times.

LORELAI: But its a funny movie. Anything with 'Goldmember' in the title is worth a shot. (they enter diner) Don't ya agree Luke?

LUKE: Probably not.

RORY: I highly doubt Luke has seen the movie.

LUKE: Probably not.

(They take a seat at a table)

LORELAI: Somebody's articulate this morning.

RORY: Indubitably.

..::OPENING CREDITS::..

..::SCENE OPEN TO CHILTON HALLWAYS::.. (Its obviously after school because the halls are basically deserted. RORY is at her locker with PARIS beside her)

PARIS: So then I said, 'I'm assuming your wife doesn't know that you've been staying out late at the seedy bar on the corner of Maple, rather than spending them at staff meetings like you said. If you would like to keep it that way, I suggest you help me out and get me a transfer.' And it worked!

RORY: You blackmailed Mr. Bennet?

PARIS: It wasn't blackmail per se, he just needed to be nudged along.

RORY: Right. (closes locker and they begin walking) So, how are things with Jaime?

PARIS:(smiles) Good. Things are really good. We've gone out a few more times and things are good.

RORY:(also smiles) I think Paris has a crush.

PARIS:(flustered) So, are you ready for that test in Wathorn on Monday?

RORY: You trying to change the subject.

PARIS: Look Rory, I really like Jaime, okay. New subject---seriously, the test. What do you think?

RORY:(just shakes her head) Well, I definitely need more studying, but I should do okay. Why?

PARIS: Well, Madeline and Louise and I were talking about it. I'll probably be okay, but we were wondering if maybe the four of us should get together to study.

RORY: Fine with me. That's actually a really good idea.

PARIS: Great. I'll call them. What about tonight?

RORY: Can't, its Friday. Dinner with the grandparents. Tomorrow?

PARIS: Sure. Where? Can't be my place. Mom and dad and yelling....its not pretty.

RORY: Eeee...

PARIS: Yea.

RORY: Well, since Madeline and Louise are going to weasel the way out of doing it at their houses, might as well just meet at mine.

PARIS: Will your mom mind?

RORY: No, she'll be excited.

PARIS: Alright. I'll call you later about times.

RORY: Okay. Bye.

PARIS: See ya.

(SCENE CUT TO INN. A bunch of old men are at a table, talking and rifling through papers. Camera pan out to SOOKIE, LORELAI and MICHEL, who are spying on them from the kitchen door. They all file back inside and close the door.)

LORELAI:(pouty) They aren't pretty.

MICHEL: I told you.

LORELAI: Well, you'd never been right before.

SOOKIE: Aw, cheer up hon. You can go home and watch VH1's special 'Bon Jovi in concert' that you taped.

LORELAI:(smiles) Pretty.

(MICHEL shakes his head)

LORELAI: Oh, Michel. It's okay, you can come over to watch it too.

MICHEL: No, I think I will have to pass.

SOOKIE: You know you want to.

LORELAI: Yea, we know you love Bon Jovi in those tight jeans. It'll cheer you up.

MICHEL: If I want to be 'cheered up', I will go home and take a soothing bath while listening to Destiny's Child, thank you very much!

LORELAI: Michel, haven't you heard...

(SOOKIE makes a cutting motion at her throat)

LORELAI:(continues) Destiny's Child broke up.

MICHEL: Yes I heard, and please don't remind me! (he storms out of the kitchen)

SOOKIE: You're mean.

LORELAI: Isn't it great!

..::FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK::..

..::SCENE OPEN TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE::..(LORELAI and RORY are still outside)

LORELAI: I haven't rang the doorbell yet. We can still make a break for it.

RORY: She knows we're coming. We come every Friday. I think she would catch on that we didn't show up.

LORELAI: Oh, come on. We can go to a place we like...without the creepy food.

(EMILY opens the door, but LORELAI'S back is to her)

RORY: Uh, mom...

LORELAI: Shush, I'm on a roll. We can go home and watch the B-52's marathon on MTV. Or we can even go to Luke's and you can see your Jessie-poo.

RORY: Mom, I...

LORELAI: Yea, yea, I don't really like Jess, but I could get coffee and keep an eye on you two---to make sure he doesn't try anything. See, we both win.

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: What?

(RORY points to something behind her. LORELAI turns around)

LORELAI: Oh, hi there mom. How long have you been standing there?

EMILY: Long enough. Isn't Jess the one who broke her arm? Are you letting her date him?

LORELAI: Jess is...um...a puppy!

RORY: What?!

EMILY: What?!

LORELAI: Yea, well, Luke...

EMILY: That diner man.

LORELAI: Yes. He got a puppy named Jess. (She began edging her way inside. RORY and EMILY follow)

(CUT TO LIVING ROOM. LORELAI is pouring herself a drink)

EMILY: If I remember correctly, Jess is Luke's nephew, not his pet. And, I also remember Jess' name coming up when Rory broke her arm.

RORY: Fractured my wrist.

LORELAI: Well, mom, you must've heard wrong. (refills her glass)

EMILY:(to RORY) Well Rory, care to tell me the truth, or do I have to out the pieces together myself.

RORY: Grandma, I ...

EMILY: Wait a minute. (yells) Richard! The girls are here. And I think you might want to hear this.

LORELAI: Mom, its nothing, really.

RICHARD:(enters) Hello ladies. And what is it that I might want to hear Emily?

EMILY: Something about your grand-daughter dating Jess.

RICHARD: Jess, as in the one who broke her arm?

RORY: Fractured my wrist!

EMILY: Yes. I overheard a conversation that leads me to believe Rory's dating him and Lorelai's trying to deny it.

RICHARD: What did Rory say?

EMILY: That's why I called you in here. We're waiting for her side. (to RORY) Well, tell us.

RORY: I...well...first of all, he's a really great guy.

EMILY: Rory, please. Are you dating him? Yes or no.

RORY: Yes.

EMILY:(sighs) Now I need a drink.

RICHARD:(to LORELAI) And you think he's a respectable suitor?

(LORELAI is at a loss for words)

RICHARD: Lorelai.

LORELAI: Well, I...

RORY:(pleading) Mom.

EMILY: Well, what's your opinion. I thought you didn't like him. Wait a minute, I thought he moved.

RORY: He moved back.

RICHARD: Lorelai, you're being unusually quiet; I asked you a question. Do you like this boy?

LORELAI: Rory does.

RICHARD: That's not what I asked.

LORELAI: No. I don't like him at all. But I'm not going to tell Rory who she can and can't date.

EMILY: She's going to get pregnant. Good-bye Harvard.

RICHARD: Or Yale.

RORY: Shouldn't I get a say in this?

EMILY: She's too young to make decisions like this Lorelai. You did and you ended up pregnant.

RORY: I'm not going to get pregnant.

RICHARD: I didn't like that Dean boy, but at least you did. Now she's dating someone that no one thinks is good for her. This will only end badly.

LORELAI: Hopefully this is just a phase.

RORY:(desperately) I'm right here.

LORELAI: Everyone dates a bad boy. With any luck this will only last a few months.

(RORY looks shocked)

EMILY: But its what will happen within those 'few months' that worries me.

LORELAI: Please, the situation is under control.

RICHARD: This is not a situation you can control. We couldn't control you getting pregnant.

RORY: I'm not going to get pregnant!

LORELAI: Rory's smarter than I was.

EMILY: Everyone makes mistakes. And the first one is you letting her date him. He can only be after one thing.

RORY: How do you know?

LORELAI: I'm not arguing with you, but I'm not agreeing with you either.

RORY: What!?

RICHARD: I suppose we should all calm down and try to have a rashinal disscussion about this.

EMILY: I agree.

LORELAI: Then I think we should go.

EMILY:(sighs) We'll see you next week.

(CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY IN JEEP)

LORELAI: Well, that went well.

RORY: I can't believe you.

LORELAI: What? Me?

RORY: Yes, you. You took their side.

LORELAI: I did not.

RORY: Then no one even let me defend myslef.

LORELAI: I was trying to handle it.

RORY: By telling them that its 'just a phase'.

LORELAI: Well, I think it's what they wanted to hear. They wanted to hear that it's not that serious.

RORY: Well, what if it is?

LORELAI: Rory...

RORY: You think its just a phase, don't you? You want it to end in a few months.

LORELAI: You know I don't like him.

RORY: You said you would try. You promised.

LORELAI: Look at us. We're fighting because if him.

RORY: Don't. That's not true and you know it.

LORELAI: All of our fights lately have been about Jess. That IS true, and you know it.

RORY: That's not Jess' fault. You're the one who keeps bringing this up.

LORELAI: Fine.

RORY: Fine.

(silence)

LORELAI: What did you mean?

RORY: What?

LORELAI: When I said 'they wanted to hear that its not serious' and you said 'what if it is'. What did you mean?

RORY:....................

LORELAI: Are you sleeping with him?

RORY: What? No!

LORELAI: Do you plan on sleeping with him?

RORY: Do you really want to have this conversation now, when your behind the wheel of 2,000 pounds of metal?

LORELAI: Rory, just answer the question please.

RORY: What do you mean by 'plan'? It's not like I've picked a date.

LORELAI: Do you think that you'll sleep with Jess eventually?

RORY: Honestly.

LORELAI: No, I want you to lie to me. Yes, honestly.

RORY:(looks out the window) yea.

LORELAI:(sardonically) Great.

RORY: You said eventually. That doesn't mean its going to happen tomorrow.

LORELAI: But you think Jess will be your first.

RORY: Well, I am dating him.

LORELAI And you want Jess to be your first.

RORY: Yes mom.

LORELAI: (flusters, looking for something to say) You...I...but.....what about.....just..UGH!

RORY: I'm not going to get pregnant mom.

LORELAI:You're damn right you're not! You're going on the pill.

RORY: Haven't we done this before?

LORELAI: Yes, but before it was Dean and I was angry. This time its Jess and I'm dead serious. You're not going to throw your life away over him.

RORY: Now what that suppose to mean?

LORELAI: He's not worth it Rory.

RORY: You don't know him.

LORELAI: I know enough.

RORY: No, you don't.

LORELAI: If you say so.

RORY: Fine.

LORELAI: Fine.

..::SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK::..

..::SCENE OPEN TO GILMORE HOME::..(the girls enter in silence. RORY: heads for her room and LORELAI presses play on the answering machine and stands in the livingroom)

(on the machine)

JESS: Hey Ror. Its me. I know you're at your grandparents, but call me when you get home. Or come to the diner. See ya.

(LORELAI snorts)

CHRIS: Hi....Lor, you there? Rory? I was hoping I'd catch you before you left. Look, um, just call me. I've left like five million messages on the machine in the past month. (RORY exits her room and stands by LORELAI) Just, I didn't mean for all of this to happen like....this. I'm sorry about barging in on the dinner a few months ago, but what was I suppose to do? You still won't call me. I guess I'll try later. Bye. Love you.

PARIS: Rory, it Paris. I talked to Madeline and Louise. I wanted to meet tomorrow at noon, but Louise has a manicure, so we'll be there about one. Call me if there's a problem, otherwise we'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

MACHINE: End of messages.

LORELAI: What was that Paris thing about?

RORY: I forgot. We have a science test on Monday. It's okay if we study here, right? If not, I'll call her..........

LORELAI: No, its fine. I'll probably put in some extra hours at the inn tomorrow anyway.

RORY: Mom,

LORELAI: No Ror. We need our space now. You can study here, and I'll be out of your hair.

RORY: I don't like fighting with you.

LORELAI: Neither do I.

RORY: But you were totally out of line.

LORELAI: Yea, well, I disagree.

RORY: Then why don't we just agree to disagree on this one.

LORELAI:(shakes head) No. This one is too big.

RORY: You do realize that I'm going to have sex eventually, right?

LORELAI: Yes Rory, I understand that. Just not now, not with Jess.

RORY: Well, that's not your decision to make. You don't even know him.

LORELAI: Don't play the 'he's just misunderstood mom, he's had a crappy life, he doesn't open up to a lot of people, he really is great' card on me. I think I know him better than you think I do.

RORY: No.

LORELAI: How are you sure that you know him? Maybe the Jess I know is the real Jess and the one you know is just an act.What if he really is just trying to get into your pants?

RORY: Where did you come up with that idea!

LORELAI: Oh, um, I don't know! He comes here, hating the world. You're the only one he shows his 'real' side to, he gets inbetween you and Dean AND you and me, Dean, in turn, breaks up with you, leaving Jess to be the knight in shining armor! I see the way you two look at eachother. He sees you as a conquest Rory. And he knows that you're too naive to comprehend his motives.You'e Rachel Leigh Cook and he's Freddie Prince Jr. God, why can't you see that!

RORY: You couldn't be any further from the truth! Don't even bring up Dean because things were strained with us before Jess came into the picture! It wasn't going to last anyway. And I am not a conquest to him. I was...am...a conquest to Tristan, but not to Jess. And don't use a 'She's All That' reference---it's beneath you. Jess is an amazing person. Why can't you see that!

LORELAI: I'm not disscussing this anymore. Not tonight.

RORY: I'm going for a walk.

LORELAI: To see Jess, right?

RORY:(desperately and on the verge of tears) What if I am, mom. What if I need to see him now?

LORELAI: Then I'll just say think about what I said.

RORY: This isn't about Jess and you know it.

(RORY leaves and LORELAI sits down on the couch as tears begin to fall)

(SCENE CUT TO BRIDGE. RORY is sitting, her arms wrapped around herself as she cries. JESS approaches)

JESS: Hey. I had a feeling I 'd find you here---what's wrong?

(he sits next to her and she buries her face in his shirt)

JESS: Rory, what happened? Are you okay?

RORY: No.(she pulls away and wipes her eyes) My mom and I had a huge fight. Actually, we had two.

JESS: But you've fought before---

RORY: No, this was bad. This was the biggest Gilmore fight in history. Catastrophic. We're talking Armegedon.

JESS: What happened?

RORY: We were at dinner and....my grandparents found out. About you, about us. They, of course, had a fit and went on about how I was going to get pregnant and my mom, she said not to worry, that this was only a phase. Apparantly everyone has to date a bad boy, but with any luck, this would only last a few months.

JESS: Huh.

RORY: We left and I asked her about it in the car. She said that she meant what she said and that she didn't like you and then she asked me if I was sleeping with you.

JESS: Wow.

RORY: Yep. I told her no and she asked if it was going to happen with you and I said probably and then we fought and she said that I was going on the pill because I wasn't going to get pregnant and that you weren't worth throwing my future away.

JESS: Woa, wait a minute. You said probably?

RORY: (embarrassed) Well, yea. I mean, eventually, it might. Not like soon, or anything. Just. perhaps, in the near to distant future, it could come up and....

JESS: Ror, you're babbling.

RORY: Sorry.

JESS: You said you fought twice.

RORY: Right. We got home and I asked for a truce and she said that this was too big of an issue. Then we yelled again and she said that I was your conquest and that you just wanted to get into my pants.

JESS: I..uh...You know that's not true, right?

RORY: I tried to tell her that, but she said that you broke Dean and I up on purpose.

JESS: Rory, listen to me. I would never, ever try and get you to do something you're not ready for.

RORY: I know.

JESS: We've only been dating for a few months. We hadn't even talked about sex yet.

RORY: I know.

JESS: Is that really how you feel?

RORY: Well, yea. I don't mean anything's going to happen within the next week, but I don't know. In a few months, maybe. I've never thought about this, really, before. It's been ingrained into my head, sex = pregnant; pregnant = bad, so I never really considered it an option. But with you, it IS an option.

JESS: I...I had no idea. That you were...(trails off)

RORY: I was going to tell you soon. So we could talk about it. I mean, I was going to talk to my mom first, but, as you can tell, that didn't go too well.

JESS: I wish I could do something to, I don't know, help.

RORY: It's not your fault. I'll try talking to her tomorrow.

JESS: Okay.

RORY: I should go.

JESS: Want me to walk you?

RORY: Its Stars Hollow. I think I'll be safe. Plus, if my mom saw you...

JESS: Not good.

(they stand up)

RORY: Thanks for listening.

JESS: Anytime.

(JESS gives RORY a soft kiss)

(RORY begind to leave. JESS looks like he's about to say something, but he's deciding if he should or not )

JESS: Rory!

(RORY turns around and walks towards him)

RORY: Yea?

JESS: I don't want to sleep with you.

RORY: What?

JESS: Wait, that didn't come out right. I mean, I want to, just, not before we're ready. (looks down and mumbles something)

RORY: What was that last part? I couldn't hear you.

(JESS takes a deep breath)

JESS:(still not making eye contact) I love you.(pauses) I don't want you to think that's a ploy to get you to....do anything, I, its just, its the truth and I don't want you to think that we...

RORY:(smirks) Now babbling?

(JESS shuffles his feet nervously)

JESS: Well, you'd better go. I should get back too, before Luke has a coranary.

RORY: Right.

JESS: So, bye.

RORY: I love you too.

JESS:(taken aback) Okay.

RORY: I mean, I do, and you, and I and....ugh! Now I'm rambling again.

JESS: We aren't very good at this.

RORY: No we aren't.

JESS: We should really go.

RORY: Yea.

(This time RORY kisses JESS and its more passionate. They linger colse to eachother for a few seconds)

JESS:(whispers) I love you.

RORY: I love you too.

JESS:(smirks) That was better.

..::CUT TO THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK::..

..::SCENE OPEN TO LUKE'S::..(Saturday morning)

LORELAI:(sits at counter) Coffee.

LUKE: Where's Rory?

LORELAI: She *said* she was going to Lane's.

LUKE: What do you mean 'said'?

LORELAI: Just because she said she was going to Lane's doesn't mean she did. She could be off doing god knows what.

LUKE: You're kidding me, right. This is Rory, the world's best teenager.

LORELAI: She is dating Jess, isn't she.

LUKE: Don't do this again. If she said she was going to Lane's, I'm sure she went to Lane's.

(LORELAI still looks distressed)

LUKE: What's wrong. Did you two have a fight or something?

LORELAI: Heh, yea, you could say that.

LUKE: What happened?

(LORELAI looks around)

LORELAI: Could I tell you upstairs or something?

LUKE: Sure.

(LORELAI goes behind the counter and they head upstairs)

(SCENE CUT TO LANE'S CLOSET)

LANE: WHAT!?

RORY: I know!

LANE: Jess, big town bad boy told you, Rory, small town good girl, that he loved you!?

RORY:(sheepishly) Yea.

LANE: So you and you mom had TWO huge fights and Jess told you he loved you!?

RORY: Yes! Its really bad and really good I guess.

LANE: Did you tell your mom?

RORY: Are you kidding! I went home and straight to bed. I can only imagine what she would've twisted that into and I was too happy to deal with that. Maybe after we've called a truce.

LANE: Wow.

RORY: I know.

LANE: So what are you going to do today?

RORY: Today Paris, Madeline and Louise are coming over to study. Mom said she was going to go to the inn, probably so they wouldn't sense the tension.

LANE: But what about tomorrow, or the next day? Are you going to avoid her?

RORY: I don't want to, but I don't want to fight with her either. God, I wish she'd just hear me out. I've never seen her so angry in my life.

LANE: Woa, this sucks.

RORY: Definately. And on top of all of this, I have to deal with Hitler and the Valley Girls today.

LANE: Maybe I could come over. I mean, if you wanted me to.

RORY: Are you kidding! That would be great.

LANE: I'll just tell my mom that I'm studying...

RORY: Which isn't a lie.

LANE: Exactly. And I can help you keep your sanity. Besides, my mom has me in so many AP classes, I'm probably studying what you are, so this could help me.

RORY: Great. They're going to be over at about one.

LANE: So we have three hours.

RORY: Yep.

LANE: You want to see Jess, don't you.

RORY:(smiles) I don't know. What if things are weird now.

LANE: Rory, look, I'm not sure about him yet, but one thing is certain. He is crazy about you. Things won't be weird. Hey, lets just go walk around. I'll tell my mom about studying, we'll kill three hours by walking around town and discussing Cher's faltered career and you might see Jess out and about.

RORY: Good idea.

(SCENE CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT)

LUKE: WHAT!?

LORELAI: That was my reaction.

LUKE: But they're not sleeping together yet, right?

LORELAI: She said they weren't, but I don't know how long that will last.

LUKE: Oh, it will last, trust me. I'll lock him up! I'll castrate him! I'll kill him! He will not touch her, I'll make sure of it!

LORELAI: Kay Luke, deep breaths. I'm not taking this too well either. And what's worse, I actually agreed with my parents. I've never agreed with them on anything.

LUKE: Are you sure that she said *she* was ready? Maybe he's pressuring her.

LORELAI: You know him better than I do. Would he do that?

LUKE: I don't know!

LORELAI: The fight was horrible. We've never yelled like that before. I was so mad. You should have seen her when she left. I made her cry. I'm not suppose to do that. I'm her mother, her best friend. I'm suppose to sit down, hear her side of the story, talk with her rationally about it, I'm suppose to understand. I'm lucky she's gone this long without doing anything and I threw all of that in her face.

LUKE: I think you should tell her that, not me.

LORELAI: You're right. I'm going to the inn now. Bury myself in work, try and calm down. I'm going to try and talk to her again later. Don't castrate Jess just yet. Okay?

LUKE: Yea, yea.

LORELAI: Okay. Bye.

(LORELAI leaves and LUKE sits down and massages his temples)

..::FOURTH COMMERCIAL BREAK::..

..::SCENE OPEN TO DINER::..(night. most of the customers have cleared out)

LUKE: Hey, Jess?

JESS: Huh?

LUKE: Can I, ah, talk to you?

JESS: Isn't that what you're doing now?

LUKE: Upstairs. I'm serious.

JESS: Yea, whatever.

(CUT TO APARTMENT. JESS sits down at table and begins shuffling cards. LUKE paces)

LUKE: Lorelai came in this morning.

JESS: Great.

LUKE: She told me about the fight.

JESS: Huh.

LUKE: Do you know what happened?

JESS: Yep.

LUKE:(surprised) Oh. Um, who'd you hear it from?

JESS: Rory.

LUKE: Really, when?

JESS: Last night. Is this going somewhere? 'Cause there's about a million other things I'd rather be doing.

LUKE: Yes, I bet.

JESS: Now, what's that suppose to mean?

LUKE: Are you sleeping with Rory?

JESS: I thought Rory already went over this with Lorelai. Wouldn't that mean you would know?

LUKE:(warningly) Jess.

JESS: No.

LUKE: Good. And its going to stay that way.

JESS: Really.

LUKE: Yes, really. It will stay that way until you hear otherwise, got it?

JESS: Honestly Luke, what are you going to do? Follow us around twenty four/seven to make sure I don't touch her?

LUKE: If I have to, yes. You're not going to get her pregnant.

JESS: Last time I checked, there were ways of preventing that.

LUKE: Exactly. Don't have sex.

JESS: Use a condom.

LUKE: Don't have sex.

JESS: Use a condom.

LUKE: Jess, this is not funny.

JESS: Didn't say it was.

LUKE: Jesus! How does she put up with you.

(JESS smirks)

LUKE: I mean, I can barely spend two minutes in a room with you without wanting to pull my hair out!

JESS: I guess the Mariano charm only works on the ladies. Although that wouldn't explain why Taylor doesn't like me.

LUKE: Look, as much as I love a good Taylor joke-and comparing him to a girl is a great one- we should talk about this seriously.

JESS: Okay then. Seriously, are we almost done.(JESS stands)

LUKE: Sit down. You are not getting off that easily.

JESS: Fine. We haven't done anything. We aren't going to do anything, assuming that an occasional peck on the cheek is still permitted. I won't touch her, I won't tarnish her, I won't get her pregnant. So don't worry about 'Bad Boy Boyfriend' and if the town has its way, we'll only be together for six more months! Happy?

LUKE: Six more months?

JESS:(ranting) She's leaving for college soon Luke. We both know that I'm not going anywhere in life, but she is. So, by the end of the school year, she'll realize what a loser boyfriend she has, and will dump me for someone better. And I'm fine with that---as a matter of fact, that's what I'm planning on. But don't you worry because within that time, nothing will happen. Rory loves and respects her mom too much to go behind her back and I love and respect Rory too much to push her into anything.

LUKE:(dumbfounded) What did you say?

JESS:(almost inaudibly) Nothing.

(JESS grabs his coat and leaves)

..::END SHOW::..